“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” Any fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race will probably instantly recognize one of the show’s most repeated taglines. It’s not a message reserved for reality television either. I remember being told for years that there’s no way to properly love others without properly loving yourself first. While I think it’s important to note that it’s not always easier to love ourselves as much as we love those around us, I do think building a deeper, more compassionate relationship with ourselves can open the door to a more enriching way of being with others.
The Latin root of the word compassion translates to mean “to suffer with.” When we feel compassion for others, it’s not simply that we understand what they’re experiencing. In fact, we can hold compassion for those navigating experiences completely different from ours. When we feel compassion, we connect with the human parts of ourselves which we observe in others. For example, I may feel compassion towards a friend who was laid off, not because I myself specifically lost a job, but because I can connect with experiences of loss in my own life and understand that emotional pain. What’s more is that compassion motivates us to move towards others because of our common humanity. We reach out to those we feel compassion towards, whether it be to help or to simply provide another with company in their suffering.
Enter self compassion. It’s often easy to think of self compassion as the same as self care. Perhaps one thinks of days at a spa, brewing a cup of one’s favorite tea, or watching one’s favorite movie on a gray day. Self compassion, however, is more. Just as with others, we have the opportunity to move towards ourselves in our suffering, even when we’re alone in it. We can affirm our own emotional experiences and pain by recognizing the ways in which they make us human. If I’m sad, angry, and/or anxious, I can practice compassion towards myself by gently acknowledging it for myself and showing myself kindness.
I remember I once felt anger (to the point of feeling sick) towards an institution where I felt completely powerless and betrayed by people who held considerable power over me. Although I could change little about my circumstances, I realized I could affirm my own frustration and resentment. Self compassion in that moment was turning towards my anger, saying “I see you, and I get why you’re here,” and making a commitment to try and do what was best for myself, even if it wasn’t a priority for others. I was treating myself as a human who deserved love and care, and I was moving towards myself in my pain. Is it easy? Nope. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
So how can turning to ourselves help us turn to others? When we practice self compassion, we build recognition of our lived experiences and internal lives. We uphold our individual experiences while also connecting them to our broader humanity. By being able to authentically connect with our own experiences, we become better at recognizing the pieces of ourselves we share with others. Hence, when we see another’s suffering, we are better able to see our common humanity and move towards the other. We avoid the inaction of pity and take compassionate action instead.
Mike Shirek, MA has a master’s degree from Lesley University in clinical mental health counseling with a specialization in expressive arts therapies. He received his Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Harvard University. He is a member of the International Expressive Arts Therapy Association and is working towards becoming a licensed mental health counselor and registered expressive arts therapist. Mike has 2 years of clinical mental health experience working in both partial-residential hospital and non-profit community settings. He has experience in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, CBT and DBT skills, expressive arts interventions, trauma-informed care and narrative therapy techniques. He is committed to honoring individuals’ personal stories and experiences and seeks to empower individuals to pursue meaningful changes in their lives.
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