In The History of Sexuality, Vol. 1, philosopher, activist and historian Michel Foucault makes two important observations. The first pertains to the concept of discourse. Discourse is, very generally, any idea put into the public sphere. Importantly, discourse is not necessarily true or false or right or wrong - it is just something that has been said. For example, scientific theories are discourse but so are religious ideologies and beliefs. Discourse can be macro in nature such as the examples of science and religion that widely impact many throughout the world. Discourse can also be micro, meaning that within a larger discourse, there might be several discourses that contradict one another - for example round earth vs. flat earth.
Foucault’s second observation pertains to what gets done with discourse. Some ideas are scorned and some ideas become the normative standard for a society. Foucault understood that the idea of sexuality, particularly non-heteronormative sexuality, became used as social discourse to engage population control - they wanted more babies! And I might take this idea one step further and say that discourses that promote population growth, “family values” and other ideas have led to a normative expectation and pressure to get married and start a family. Relationships are systemically supported. For example, married people, particularly if they have children, get tax cuts. We could explore these examples for days, but the important thing to remember is that it’s just discourse. It doesn’t make it “right.”
One particularly harmful discourse (in my view) is the idea that we’re not “whole” until we’ve found our “other half.” It suggests that our worth is derived from being in a relationship. It further iterates that if we’re not in a relationship then there is something wrong with us - that we’re defective and incomplete. I really believe that we should challenge this notion - because I don’t believe it’s right or true. It’s just a social norm that has been embraced.
February 15 is Singles Awareness Day which is of vital importance because love exists beyond romantic relationships. You, in fact, can thrive while being single. You have worth for simply being alive and you don’t need a partner to validate that. Yes, being in a relationship can be really lovely, but if you feel you need to be in a relationship, this might be something to explore either on your own or with your therapist. You might hold beliefs about what it means to be single or partnered that might be inaccurate or skewed by the social environment or your family of origin.
Some have no desire to be in a relationship. They enjoy the freedom it affords among many other things. Whatever the case, singleness can be good - it can give us an opportunity to explore our needs and challenges and learn to love ourselves before bringing another person into the equation. Self-love is powerful!
This month Looking Glass Counseling is proud to support The Louis D. Brown Peace Institute which serves as a center of healing, teaching and learning for families and communities impacted by murder, trauma, grief and loss. The Louis D. Brown Peace Institute creates and sustains an environment where all families can live in peace and all people are valued. They believe that all families impacted by murder deserve to be treated with dignity and compassion, regardless of the circumstances.
Jon Wisdom, LCSW received his Master of Social Work degree, specializing in Trauma and Violence, from Boston University in a dual-degree program where he also received a Master of Divinity. Previously he worked as an interfaith hospital chaplain and holds a masters degree in Spiritual Care. Jon has pursued this integrated learning with the hope of working with queer individuals with religious trauma. As a queer man, he knows this is a complex issue that requires a lot of existential exploration which can be personally challenging.
In practice, Jon prioritizes affirming and patient-centered care. He uses modalities such as Phase Oriented Trauma Treatment, Motivational Interviewing (MI), Solution Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), narrative approaches, psychodynamics and operates with an anti-oppression framework. His goal as a therapist is to provide space for his clients to come as they are and for them to know that they have inherent worth and value.
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