Gather around the proverbial table those you care about and those who care about you! Another volley of holidays are around the corner. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or New Years Eve, the holidays and the colder months ahead can make it clear who is or isn’t a part of our lives. Found Family are the people selected by an individual who they identify with as support, community and care including biological family, friends, partner(s), pets and anyone who they deem as familial. These individuals, as some you may already spend time with regularly, are the frontline defense to help get through the holidays. Here are some things I think about when fostering and engaging with Found Family in the season ahead:
Look around and start small. There’s a good chance that you have already fostered people in your life who matter to you. Found Family can be the friends you play Dungeons and Dragons with, coworkers you hangout with after work, people who you attend religious services or volunteer with or send regular texts/emails/updates to. From your intersections of meaning, either focus on one of those groups to foster additional relationship connections or choose a few from the places of meeting you deem the most worthy/important/trustworthy to extend social connections with.
Set expectations. Regardless of who you choose, review in your mind what Found Family means to you. Is it a group of people you are familiar with you can trust and enjoy their company throughout the year? A circle of friends/allies who you can share the ups and downs of everyday life with? Maybe it’s a set of people who you can play games and share a meal with knowing you won’t be criticized within that group for your held values and experiences. Whichever you establish as your expectations, reflect on what you want and share this with those you include in order to help them know what they are investing and spending time in.
Maybe you’re already in one and don’t know it. If you’re wanting to establish a Found Family, there’s a chance that you’ve already been chosen to be in someone else’s community. Notice what you are a part of and consider that you’ve already been chosen. If that’s the case, contemplate on how fulfilling that community is and act accordingly!
Plan ahead. As you choose who you want to spend time with, the next step is thinking about how you want to see/relate to them. Is it a potluck meal? Gift-exchange? Art or movie night? Game night? Virtual call? There are so many ways to foster shared fellowship and getting the activity on the calendar is crucial - especially with holidays, travels and other considerations.
Be kind (to yourself and your supports). This could mean showing appreciation to your chosen family after the activity is accomplished or patience to yourself as plans may come together, change or shift unexpectedly. With any kind of planning, your best laid intentions may not turn out like you expect so go into your holidays and chosen family with flexibility and gentleness.
For additional reading, check out my colleague’s post in 2022 about Found Family!
This month Looking Glass Counseling is proud to support Project Trust. Project TRUST’s goal is to help anyone who is actively struggling with substance use access comprehensive and compassionate care without judgement. They provide addiction treatment resources, harm reduction education and supplies and navigation to an array of medical services including primary care and urgent care services.
Lou Lim, LMHC, REAT is a licensed mental health counselor and registered expressive arts therapist (REAT) with a master's degree in Expressive Therapy and Mental Health Counseling from Lesley University. He is a member of the International Expressive Arts Therapy Association and on the committee for REAT credentialing. He has 13 years of experience in counseling and expressive therapy working with children, adolescents, teenagers, adults, and retirees.
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